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Baby Named Brianna Already Acting Pretentious, Says Doctor

July 16, 2012


Baby Brianna wears sunglasses indoors.

BEVERLY HILLS—Moments after delivering newborn Brianna Richards into the world, Dr. Frank Wasserman told nurses that the baby was acting "smug and pretentious."

"She was totally silent during delivery and avoided eye contact with everyone," said Dr. Wasserman, while taking a cigarette break on the hospital patio. "That's what happens when you give your baby a stuck up name like Brianna, Alexis, or Solaris."

Wasserman, 76, told hospital staff that he longed for the days when babies were given wholesome names like Ruth, Grace, or Harriet.

"Back when I graduated med school, if you gave your newborn a name like Chastity, you'd get laughed out of the hospital," he said. "I miss those days."

At Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, it's no secret that Dr. Wasserman wants to transfer outside of Los Angeles. He often mails his resume to out-of-state hospitals in between patients.

"I want to leave this godforsaken city for good, and settle in a place like Albuquerque," he said, while licking an envelope. "Nobody names their kid Preston or Sebastian over there."

Wasserman's job search has been rocky. He's required to tell potential employers that he's on probation for repeatedly yelling "You think you're better than me?" to a baby named Atticus. This incident came three months after he smashed a video camera belonging to a father who was filming his daughter's birth.

"I'm glad I broke their camera," said Wasserman. "I bet the parents were going to send the tape to a casting agent like everyone else in this town. The baby will thank me one day."

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